Star Wars Outlaws: An Endless Subscription Based Game with Zero Promise
With Star Wars: The Acoylte erasing itself from our memory, Star Wars Outlaw (2024), a Ubisoft based open world game, set to release on August 30th, 2024, is set to release.
Oh boy. Another Ubisoft game with the Star Wars Logo. Star Wars Outlaws resembles all the bad games that Ubisoft wants to play, but somehow can’t make into a cohesive story. Every Star Wars product since 2015 has proved to be sub par products that denigrate the memory of a Galaxy Far Far Away.
Playing as an outlaw, with the jaw line of a truck driver, while about 80 pounds, she can move like a geriatric grandpa playing pickleball. It makes sense because most 30ish people want to be old so bad that they never had a life to begin with. “Bruce lee that shit” as Fleekazoid said on his August 3rd, 2024 rant.
(Fleekazoids rant is hilarious as he plays Bounty Hunter instead, but his humor makes up for it)
But Star Wars Outlaws resembles a game made by Kathleen Kennedy. “Great female character with no real characteristics. Make her lame and extremely gay.” Any player with a real sense of sobriety wouldn’t even play Star Wars Outlaws while they were high on PCP and it would denigrate the high PCP gives.
Being a gamer in 2024 is worse than being sober during Woodstock in the 1960’s and 1990’s. Being accused of stochastic terrorism by the US Government, racist by every lefty weirdo with green hair, and loved by every black person on the Internet who loves your honesty. What a time to be alive.
But the most egregious offense made was to charge over $ 130 flat fee to Ubisoft Plus, as it would create a long term commitment to the game, but fill Ubisoft’s pockets so that they can never leave their rich French chateaus. The uncompromising threat Ubisoft can make is simple: keep paying for this game in order for us to keep all your favorite games alive. Sounds decent, but it’s not. Because if you don’t, they can delete the game from your library. So, being a reader is far better than being a gamer, today.
With all this in mind, it’s good to know that Kathleen Kennedy and her team will be able to buy Epstein’s Island and turn it into a game designer porn dungeon where nothing sexual happens and Star Wars can be a lifeless IP floating off into its final death slumber.
Good times.